The Courage to Be Disliked

Key takeaways

• Your past does not decide your present; the goals you hold now do
• Almost every personal problem is at heart a problem between people
• Separate your tasks from other people's and stop carrying what is theirs
• Freedom means accepting that some people will dislike you no matter what
• Happiness comes from feeling useful to others, not from being praised

Inside this bit

1. A philosopher and an angry young man

   The book is a conversation. A young man, restless and convinced life is unfair, visits a philosopher who claims that anyone can be happy right now.

2. Trauma is not destiny

   The philosopher's first shock is to deny that your past causes your present. Adler's view, called teleology, is that people act toward goals rather than because of causes.

3. All problems are about people

   Adler claimed that every worry, once you dig down, involves your relationship with someone. Loneliness needs other people to feel lonely from.

4. Separate your tasks

   This is the book's most practical tool. For any situation, ask whose task it is by asking who ultimately lives with the result.

5. The courage to be disliked

   Once you separate tasks, the next step follows. Whether someone dislikes you is their task, not yours.

6. Put it to work

   This week, take one worry and ask whose task it is; if the answer is someone else, write down the part that is genuinely yours and let the rest go. Notice one moment where you explain a choice by your past, and rewrite it as a goal you are currently pursuing.